Why ADHD/AuDHD in Women Often Gets Missed Until Adulthood
Disclaimer: This post is written in a composite voice, drawing from the experiences of many women I’ve worked with—as well as themes I hear time and time again in therapy. If you see yourself in this story, know that you’re not alone.
“For Most of My Life, I Thought I Was Just Bad at Being a Person.”
I was the kind of girl who got good grades, remembered birthdays, and never forgot to say thank you. On the outside, I looked like I had it together. On the inside, I was overwhelmed all the time.
I needed more sleep than my friends. I hated loud noises and itchy tags. I couldn’t handle group projects without melting down afterward—and I thought it was just because I was too sensitive.
When things were hard, I assumed it was my fault. I was lazy. Flaky. Dramatic. I always felt a step behind and a second away from disappointing someone. And even though I was doing “well,” something never felt quite right.
For most of my life, I thought I was just bad at being a person. But the truth was, I had ADHD—and likely AuDHD (ADHD + autism). No one ever saw it, including me.
The Early Signs No One Noticed
Looking back, the signs were always there.
I struggled to start assignments—even the ones I was excited about. I'd freeze, procrastinate, and then panic-finish things last minute. I could focus for hours on creative projects I loved, but I couldn’t remember to respond to a simple email or take out the trash.
My room was always cluttered, even when I tried to stay organized. I broke down after long days at school or social events, completely drained by the effort it took to “act normal.” I memorized social scripts to get by, studied facial expressions like I was decoding a foreign language, and still felt like I was one wrong word away from rejection.
Emotionally, I felt everything too much—joy, shame, anxiety, even other people’s moods. But I learned early on that showing those feelings made me “dramatic,” so I started hiding them.
Before I even had the language for it, I had become an expert at masking. I wasn’t just trying to be liked—I was trying to survive. I over-functioned, people-pleased, anticipated needs before they were spoken. I built my identity around being competent, helpful, low-maintenance. But underneath that polished exterior was a nervous system in constant overdrive.
And no one questioned it—because I didn’t fit the mold of what people think ADHD or autism looks like. I wasn’t loud or disruptive. I wasn’t “acting out.” I was quietly unraveling in ways no one could see.
Why Girls Get Missed
ADHD and autism are still widely underdiagnosed in girls and women—largely because the diagnostic framework was built around how these traits show up in boys. It’s easier to notice the child who’s climbing on desks than the one who’s quietly zoning out, masking confusion with a polite smile.
Instead of bouncing off the walls, girls with ADHD or autism may:
Daydreaming, zoning out, or internal distractibility
Perfectionism and people-pleasing used to hide confusion
Emotional intensity mistaken for moodiness or immaturity
Sensory overwhelm that’s brushed off as “being picky”
Chronic exhaustion from masking and overcompensating
We’re taught from an early age to adapt, accommodate, and not take up too much space. So when something feels hard, we don’t express it—we internalize it. We assume it’s our fault. We try harder. We mask better.
That’s why so many women make it to adulthood without ever being identified as neurodivergent. Instead, we’re told we have anxiety, depression, or “stress management issues.” But those are often symptoms of years spent overriding our own nervous system.
By the time we start asking the right questions, many of us are already deep in burnout.
When Everything Stops Working
For me, the breaking point came in early adulthood.
College brought new challenges: no more structure, more sensory overwhelm, and a growing pile of responsibilities I couldn’t keep up with. I started forgetting things, shutting down, crying over seemingly nothing.
All the systems I’d relied on—my planners, my routines, my perfectionism—they stopped working.
I thought I was failing. I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was executive dysfunction, sensory overload, and emotional dysregulation. I just thought I was falling apart.
One night, in a spiral of Google searches, I found a video about ADHD in women. Then one about autism. And something cracked open.
The Lightbulb Moment
I wasn’t broken. I was wired differently.
That moment of recognition felt like grief and relief all at once. Grief for the younger version of me who struggled so silently. Relief that there was a name for what I’d been carrying.
It made sense—everything from my intense need for rest to my social fatigue to the mental chaos that no one else seemed to struggle with.
This late discovery is more common than you’d think. Many women don’t get diagnosed until their 20s, 30s, or even 40s—often after a burnout, breakdown, or a child’s diagnosis that leads them to reflect on their own life.
And while getting a formal diagnosis can be incredibly validating, it’s not always accessible or even necessary to start healing.
Understanding Your Brain Without Needing a Label
You don’t need a label to deserve support.
So many women discover they’re neurodivergent not in a psychologist’s office, but in therapy. In conversations where they start to unmask, connect the dots, and see their experiences with new clarity.
A therapist who understands both trauma and neurodivergence won’t rush to diagnose or minimize your experience. Instead, they’ll help you explore how your nervous system operates—and how your past, your brain, and your environment all interact.
Because for many women, it’s not just ADHD.
→ It’s trauma.
→ It’s masking.
→ It’s sensory sensitivity.
→ It’s shame.
And what matters most isn’t what you call it—it’s that your support system actually helps you feel understood.
What Therapy Can Look Like When It’s Built for You
You don’t need more coping tools. You need care that goes beneath the surface.
When therapy is both trauma-informed and neurodivergent-affirming, everything changes:
Instead of being told to “try harder” or “be more consistent,” you’re supported in unmasking, resting, and building systems that actually work for your brain.
Instead of being pathologized for emotional reactivity or shutdowns, your responses are seen as what they are—nervous system adaptations.
Instead of fixing yourself, you learn to trust yourself.
In my practice, I often use modalities like EMDR and IFS to help women untangle the roots of shame, burnout, and emotional overwhelm—without ignoring their sensory needs or executive functioning struggles.
Because you’re not too sensitive. You’ve just been carrying too much for too long, with too little support.
Learn more about therapy for ADHD here!
You’re Not Alone in This
If you’ve been asking questions like:
“Why can’t I keep up like everyone else?”
“Why do I feel everything so deeply?”
“Why does life feel harder than it should?”
You’re not making it up. And you’re not the only one.
Whether you’ve just stumbled across the idea of ADHD/AuDHD or you’ve been living with quiet suspicion for years, I want you to know this: there’s nothing wrong with you. There never was.
You’ve adapted. You’ve coped. You’ve over-functioned to survive.
Now, you get to do something different. ↓
Looking for trauma-informed, neurodivergent-affirming therapy for women in Florida?
It’s time to stop blaming yourself and start understanding your brain.
(Florida residents only)
Do you feel isolated in your neurodivergent experience and long for a space where you don’t have to explain yourself?
My virtual group for AuDHD adults in their 20s and 30s is designed to help you unmask, heal, and belong.
About the author
Nicole Mendizabal is a Hispanic therapist based in Miami, providing online therapy throughout Florida. She specializes in helping women navigate trauma, ADHD, anxiety, autism, and the challenges of perfectionism. Nicole also offers EMDR therapy intensives, creating a focused and supportive space for deep healing and meaningful progress. Weekend and in-person sessions are available for Intensives only.
